This, my friends, is an essay about ducks. Yes, those
yellow, quacking, feathered menaces of the ponds. I’m sure we all know what I’m
referring to. Everybody has seen them. And those that haven’t have seen their
menacing antics on hit propaganda show, Tom
and Jerry.
People nowadays are surprisingly misguided. They show
unnatural fears of completely nice creatures, such as crocodiles, or
lions. These animals have completely
respectable kill statistics, of generally 5-20 a year in the civilized areas of
the world.
What, then, you might rightly as, are the statistics of
DEATH-BY-DUCK?(Henceforth referred to in this document as DBD.) The answer is
that there are none. You might now outrageously try to defend the
aforementioned yellow furies for lack of evidence against them. BUT DON’T YOU
SEE!? This very lack of evidence is what tells against them! THEY ARE TAKING
OVER THE INTERNET AND HAVE REMOVED ALL DBD STATISTICS!
Sorry for my outburst there, I sometimes lose my cool when
discussing these predators. D’you know, there are people on this earth who are
intelligent enough to understand that these ducks
are actually yellow-coated raptors? Yes, yes there are. And the rest of the
world stomps on them. They tell them that they’re crazy, that they’re seeing
ducks everywhere. Anatidaephobes, they call us. It is the universal
acknowledgement that the ducks are winning. If the human race does not
understand that their very existence is threatened, then how will they go to
war?
Still, our current position in the war isn’t as bad as it
was circa 3000 years ago. Back then, the ducks had an even greater master of
propaganda. He went by the name ‘Zeus’. He passed himself off as an extremely
gifted human, albeit one with excessive growth of facial hair. He realized that
the humans had begun to revere him, and thus began one of the most deluded
periods in human history.
They were known as THE
DUCK (There is a common misconception that this is meant to be pronounced
as ‘Dark’, but it is untrue) AGES.
This is a time during which Duck Sculpture first began. Statuettes of ducks
dated over 2000 years old have been recovered. The intellectuals of this earth
believe that this is when the ducks first began to assault the aforementioned
DBD records, and so took their first step towards establishing rule on earth.
I must leave you all now, for I fear that they are near. I
shall end with the usual Anti-Duck poem, but I would also like to remind
humankind of their duty to their race. Please, friends, if you hear the dreaded
‘QUACK’ once more, barricade yourself in your house, and don’t come out, lest
you add to the secret DBD records.
Signing off,
T
‘Dear friend, if you
do hear a quack,
Run, go hide in a
shack,
For truly, of gifted
humans, we have a lack,
And don’t want another
body-sack
Dear friend, when you
see flashes of yellow
Waving as though they
were Jell-O
Be prepared for the
war-like bellow
Show thyself to be a
careful fellow
Dear friend, when into
open combat with the winged fury, you come
Do not let your senses grow numb
And as a general rule of thumb,
Please, try not to be dumb.
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